I said to my partner, “I miss being pregnant”. And his response; “please don’t, you’re bad at being pregnant”.
He said it jokingly and we laughed about it but it came from a deep place. I’ve since had to really think about the person I was when I was pregnant. Marriage counselors often speak about “your married self”. That you often don’t know what kind of wife/husband you’ll be because you don’t know your married self.
In my case, I think I was a different person when I was pregnant. Different to what I actually thought I was. I really thought I was pleasant, no mood swings and not demanding, lol. I really did. To be quite honest, a lot of things are a blur from when I was pregnant. It wasn’t the first time he’d mentioned that to me. Soon after I gave birth he did say that I gave him a hard time. But I just brushed it off. But this second time made me think.
And it all came back, the feelings and frustrations I had resurfaced and I remembered that I subconsciously resented my partner. It was both our first pregnancy and we didn’t know much. We had to learn together. But I hated the fact that I had to bear more responsibility for this shared mission. I hated that he’d brag about having strong sperm and giving me a baby all the while it was just his sperm and the actual manufacturing of this being is done by ME and MY BODY!
I resented him for the fact that I still needed to be a functioning human being and do normal things when I was ALREADY busy making a baby. That is taxing enough on a person’s body. I hated even the smallest things, I’d get annoyed when he asked to pass him something, because HELLO, baby making is in progress! I remember now that he cooked a lot when I was pregnant, because when I wasn’t hungry, no one was eating.
I’ll leave it right here. I’m not rehashing more memories, and I’m sure if I were to ask him to fill in the gaps, he’d confirm that I was demanding, and had unpleasant mood swings. I’m grateful that he took it all like a man. I’m grateful that he didn’t retaliate and try to also make me feel bad. Some men are not strong enough for this and that’s why they leave.
I’m conscious of my pregnant self now. I will be better and do better next time.