Oh, Hello There Stranger

I have to talk about my birth experience and the fact that I didn’t fall in love with my baby at first sight like I was expecting to.

So contractions started and my partner rushed me to the delivery room. We decided to go the natural and midwife route. We arrived at the place and in no time I was fully dilated and it was time to push. I’m not going to talk about the actual birth but what happened immediately afterwards.

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Firstly, we didn’t realise how big the baby was so it took a tad bit longer to push. I finally succeeded and when she popped out she wasn’t crying and was barely breathing. They had to immediately take her away and resuscitate. When she came out and I didn’t hear any cry, I held my breath, kept my eyes closed and tried to numb myself from what was happening. I didn’t want to think, imagine or feel anything. And then suddenly, her little piercing scream permeated from the next room. I didn’t feel a sense of relief because I had shut down. They handed her over to me after her dad held her and I remember not feeling the connection I was anticipating. I was meeting my baby for the first time after nine months in my womb and I didn’t feel the love I expected. Sure I loved her from the day I found out I was pregnant and I grew to love her even more throughout the pregnancy. And I thought that the feeling I would get when I finally met her would knock me out of my senses.

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I took my baby home a few hours later and thought surely by the end of the day the feeling would’ve come. A week went by and I started to get worried. I didn’t share this with anyone because I was afraid people would conclude that I had postpartum depression. The fact that it was a possibility really shook me.

I just continued doing what I had to do. I continued fulfilling my motherly duties everyday and the connection just grew over time. By the end of week three with her the feeling I was yearning for had started igniting sparks. And now, seven months later I can tell you it was nothing to worry about. Women are different and our birth experiences are different. I think my fear of losing her after her birth is what caused my delayed connection. And it happens differently with everyone.

This is just one of the things I wish I had known. I wouldn’t have had feelings of guilt and inadequacy as a mother.

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8 thoughts on “Oh, Hello There Stranger

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  1. I also didn’t connect with my baby after birth. I think it was mainly due to the fact that I had an emergency cesarian. I was so emotional, I cried so much (I really don’t know why). Recovery for me was long and thee most painful thing ever. I do not remember when I connected with her, I was glad when it happened ngoba I was so worried!!

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  2. I was on another level at the birth of my daughter, even though she made me vomit all the food i had eaten…when i finally held her, everything that happened before birth escaped my mind and i was too excited. Indeed, its different each time! at the birth of my two son’s (both born prematurely)…i had a thankful heart considering why they came prematurely.

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  3. “I think my fear of losing her after her birth is what caused my delayed connection” – This right here neh. This also true for me
    I am so encouraged to share about my experience too, I want to be a blogger too but I have this thing of not wanting people in on my life like that 🤦🏾‍♀️
    Vee I love this platform that you have created

    Like

    1. I also cant’ believe I’m being this open about my life. I’m a huge privatist. I’ve toyed with the idea of blogging for years now, I tried but I couldn’t go live with it. It was always for myself because the thought of people knowing my life like that terrified me. But then before Lwandle was born I started a blog and wrote to her about whatever I wanted. Posted pictures, templates, poetry, memes and whatever I wanted to say to her at that time (with the aim to give her the logins when she’s old enough). Which birthed the idea of this platform… So much happens with motherhood and pregnancy, most of it weird! So it’s good to know you’re not alone.

      And also, motherhood just unlocked something in me… That’s a story for another day 😉

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  4. This is axactly what happened to me as well, I’m so relieved because I thought it was only me…My little one is 3 months -2 weeks now and I looooove her so much.

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  5. I’m so relieved because I thought there was something wrong with me.I had a planned c-section I choose the day and the time myself but on that day I didn’t have any feeling whatsoever. I was not scared, worried nor happy,I just started crying when I got the injection because it was very painful but other than that. I didn’t have any other emotions, my partner was very happy throughout the whole process and I had to just smile while taking pictures. I only started connecting to my daughter 3 weeks after her birth and I still feel bad about it. She is 11 weeks now and the love I have for her is out of this world

    Like

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